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Things i jack off too

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You're almost done. Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. Like monkeys and Pokemon , masturbation is evolving.

Our ancestors used to put a stick covered in termites in their proto-dicks to get off. Nowadays, we have robots that will give us space-age handies with a kung fu grip and lube designed by NASA, I assume.

As with all things, though, we must ask: Is newer better? Sure, if you're dying of a terrible disease, you can go to a hospital for treatment with modern medicine, but some people still like the idea of using herbs to clear up a sucking chest wound.

Who knows what might work? So with that in mind, I have decided to put my very body on the line to help you , fellow jackers, determine just what is the best method of wanking.

Do the olden ways stand up to today's modern superjackoffery? Science will tell us! I don't have a degree in anthropology or dick tuggery, but I am an amateur in both.

It is therefore my nonprofessional belief that the origin of masturbation is connected to the right wrist.

Even for you lefties. Back in the day, you wouldn't dare touch your precious genitals with your sinister devil's paw. Only the right hand would do.

So we can agree that masturbation probably first happened with a bare hand -- probably well before the s, if you can believe it.

Maybe one day, our monkey ancestor was sitting in his tree, lounging under a palm frond, enjoying some delicious papaya, when some of it slipped and landed on his little monkey dinky.

He reached for it, grabbed both together, pulled, and suddenly we had nuclear power, iPhones, and Hot Pockets. As it happens, I have tried this old chestnut myself once or twice, but for science, I did it again.

So I hope that right now, you're picturing me literally stopping my writing of this article right here, pushing my chair back a little bit, pulling out the mayo, and starting to churn my own butter.

Try to imagine some sound effects, like a grunt of consternation, a chipmunk-like tittering, and the bass growl of a tired and hungry bear.

Did you picture it? Anyway, I'm sure nearly all of you are aware that this is aces. It's hard to beat the good cheer brought about by your own hand.

It knows just what you like, and if you're not too callused or maybe you are and you dig texture , then it feels just fine, too.

For you ladies, try to imagine something you really enjoy the feel of, repeatedly and rhythmically working your lady flower. I'm told by our research team that female masturbation is actually a thing these days as well, and has more fans than paddle boarding, so maybe imagine that.

As many fellows will tell you, about a year or two after you've mastered the hand technique, your mind starts wandering.

Your hand is one thing in a world of many things. Probably, like, things. What would those other things feel like if they were jerking your gherkin?

So you start experimenting. Maybe it's Halloween and you have a pumpkin handy. Maybe your beanbag chair sprung a leak and has an appropriately-sized orifice barfing beans in your room.

Maybe you have a slice of ham. I'm not saying there's anything inherently sexy about ham. I'm not saying you can't use turkey, or even tofurky, if you swing that way.

I'm really just advocating the texture more than anything -- which, upon rereading this sentence, is somehow even more gross.

Still, an industrious-yet-lonely man with a boner is basically a sexual MacGyver. If you're not picking up what I'm putting down yet, allow me to elucidate.

For this particular solo mission to Dribblesville, you need to take a slice of deli ham -- and in this case, you don't necessarily want it super thin -- and maybe pop it in the microwave for 10 seconds.

Maybe you want it in a piece of bread for added grip, I don't know. I don't want to be the conductor on this train to penile trichinosis; I'm just sharing information.

Point is, you wrap warm meat around your cyclopean flesh carrot, and strum away like Clapton performing his final concert. This is a lot like regular masturbation, only the smell is much more off-putting.

Have you smelled deli ham lately? Give it a try. Then rub it aggressively on your crotch for a few minutes. Her Pussy Can't Take It! Cock addict blonde jerking off several cocks.

Looner Lola making love to Blow Up Doll. Watch while I jack off a complete stranger. Look in my eyes when you blow your load.

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Peel it and remove the fruit or cut the tip off and squirt the inside out, then rinse the rind with warm water and fill it with lube.

Wrap the sections around your member, or shove your load into the hole, and pump. Prior to playtime you can put the skin in the microwave for a few seconds to warm it up, just be careful not to leave it in too long and burn yourself.

Stack them on top of each other or side-by-side and fluff. Lie on top and go to town. You also can use just one; mold it around your penis and thrust against it.

Standing in the living room, rest your wiener behind the couch cushion that leans against the backside of the sofa, or you can kneel and slip it under the seat pad.

Crammed in between, you control the resistance as you press into the tight crevice. Plush carpet, sheets gathered, or blankets piled up in a ball are all totally fuck-able.

You can use any sock sleeve as a cum-receptacle, or when you're in the shower hang a hot wet towel around your wanker to cocoon it in moist warm weight.

Choose the style that fits your manhood and then put a condom, latex glove, or other protective sheath — filled with lube! Flip the open end over the top and secure with a rubber band or tape so it stays in place.

You can hold the cylinder in your hand or wedge it between your mattresses or your couch. Cock-condiments are more pleasurable when warmed slightly in the microwave; but make sure you test the temperature first before putting your prick into anything hot.

Take a large cucumber, squash, watermelon, honeydew, or cantaloupe, cut a hole to fit your erection in one side, and a smaller opening the size of a pencil in the other.

Hollow out the inside to fit your circumference and then screw the squishy goodness. You can place your finger over the small hole and remove it to adjust the draw to simulate the effect of getting a blowjob.

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